funnies

i thought i’d share some jokes with you all. i thought these were hilarous. what do you think?

don’t mess with women
Marriage – Part I
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he
laid down the following rules:

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don’t expect
any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell
you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and
card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time
about it. Those are my rules.

Any comments?”

His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will
be sex here at seven o’clock every night whether you’re here or not.”

************************************

Marriage – Part II
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!

The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads:

“Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever”

“Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads:

“Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last”

********************************

Marriage – Part III
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, “And you are no good in bed either,” and
storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings
her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband
says, “what took you so long to answer the phone?”

She says, “I was in bed.”

“In bed this early, doing what?”

“Getting a second opinion!”

******************************************

Marriage – Part IV
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of
himself, that he starts calling his wife, “Mother of Six” in spite of her
objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home and
wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top
of his voice, “Shall we go home ‘Mother of Six?’

His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts right back,
“Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four.”

**************************************

Marriage – Part V – The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other
the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would
need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not
wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of
paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had
missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t
wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

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